Pet Cobra

FREEBIIIIIIIIIRD!!!!!

Some of you out there have already started your Fourth of July weekend. Here's my advice to you, as I gave to my boy Chris, aka Rude Cactus. I thought it too valuable not to share:

Dude - go buy yourself a twelver of Pabst Blue Ribbon and some pork rinds and break out the inflatable pool! It's PARTY TIME!!! PLAY SOME SKYNYRD, MAN!!!!

(For some reason, as I sit staring slack-jawed at my office computer screen, the aforementioned scenario sounded ideal to me. If I can't do it, I'll take comfort that someone out there is.)

Holiday Strategery

Because I am a Human Resources Professional, I keep a Payday Calendar handy to keep track of when pay periods end/begin; we always start new hires on the first day of a pay period. Keeps the accountants happy.

The side bonus of the Handy Payday Calendar is that it also allows me to do some long term planning for the holidays. One of the best things about working in the defense sector is that when the government doesn't work, neither do we (should clarify that statement - when people in the government are not required to show up for work, neither are we). Thus we get a three day weekend in October (Columbus Day), TWO in November (Veteran's Day and Thanksgiving, and of course the back-to-backs at the end of December/beginning of January. September of course has Labor Day, but nothing in August. As it happily turns out, my wedding anniversary is August 5, a Friday. Beth is off on Fridays, so I'll burn a PTO day. And do something Special. A trip to Catalina for some scuba diving? Perhaps...

So I'll get one three day weekend (at least) each month for the remainder of the year. That, my friends, is sweet. Oh yeah, we're planning on a Hawaii trip for Christmas. Sweeter still.

But that's a ways away. Looking to this upcoming weekend - barbecueing at the Shores on Friday with CSI:Brian and CSI:Barb (fingers crossed for an evening glass-off, since the boards will be brought). My parents are coming into town on Sunday. More on that tomorrow.

Um, What?

George W. Bush in 1999 talking about the Kosovo War:

Bush, 4/99 - "Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the president to explain to us what the exit strategy is."

Bush, 6/99 - "I think it's also important for the president to lay out a timetable as to how long they will be involved and when they will be withdrawn."

George Bush last night talking about the Iraq war:

6/28/05 - "Some contend that we should set a deadline for withdrawing U.S. forces. Let me explain why that would be a serious mistake."

Slouching Towards Friday

To paraphrase Sartre, Hell is the week before a three day weekend.

Things tend to operate at two speeds on holiday weeks: Dead Crawl and Warp 9. The Dead Crawl camp wants nothing more than to be outta the office, and projects that desire upon things that need to be done. The logic being that "it can wait until after the holiday". The Warp 9 camp believes that having the office closed for an additional day is a recipe for disaster, and thus manically tries to push everything through that can possibily be pushed through - hires, start dates, relos, all of it MUST BE DONE TODAY.

I try to walk the middle path; get things done, business as usual. I'm getting the sense, however, that this week the modus operandi will be Dead Crawl. Never thought I'd say this, but that ain't gonna work for me. I am a Work Smart, as opposed to a Work Hard, kind of guy. Because it means that I'll have to be doing catch-up work next week. And it means boredom this week. I'd rather be busy than bored. Because when I'm not busy, I realize that it's 9:20, I'm writing my blog when I'd normally be Taking Care of Business, and that it's only Tuesday.

DVR and The Best Shows You're Not Watching

Stacy asked the following on Friday: "We're getting our first TiVo tomorrow -- how long will it be before my husband stops saying, "LOOK! LOOK AT THAT! I DID IT AGAIN! I STOPPED TELEVISION! NOW I CAN RESTART IT -- WATCH THIS!"?????"

The truth? Never. NEVER. The keypads on our cable box remote are worn down from use (we have the DVR Cable Box; TiVo in every way but the name.) True story: I use that remote so much that Lucas this weekend KNOWS WHAT IT'S FOR. He's watched me fiddle around with start/stop/pause/rewind/fast forward that he at one  point this weekend actually PICKED UP THE REMOTE, AIMED IT AT THE TV, AND STARTED WAVING IT LIKE A MAGIC WAND. HE IS 16 MONTHS OLD. HE SHOULD NOT KNOW SUCH THINGS.

So, yeah, we love our DVR. Right now we are into the following shows:

1. Entourage. "Hug it out, bitch." Ari Gold is, hands down, the greatest character on TV right now. Johnny Drama is a distant second.
2. The 4400. A pretty cool sci-fi show; The X-Files meets X-Men.
3. That Show With the B-List Celebrities Doing The Ballroom Dancing. It's kind of lame, but the guy that played J. Peterman on Seinfeld is one of the celebrities, and he's a personal hero of mine.
4. British and Lions Tour of New Zealand. OK - "we" in this case refers to Lucas and I. How lame that we no longer get Fox Sports World; in its place is the Fox Soccer Channel (Soccer. A whole channel devoted to soccer. Jesus wept.) which broadcasts ONE rugby match a week, at 11:00 on Monday nights. An outrage!

Your Questions Answered, Round One

Beth asks: "Why has Amy Grant not come out with a new song in 10 years.. and more importantly - WHY IS SHE ON THE TODAY SHOW performing said OLD SONGS?"

Amy Grant is the Christian pop singer, right? Didn't she do a Target commerical at one point? More important, it sounds like you're somewhat concerned that she hasn't come out with a new song in ten years. That worries me. Drop whatever it is you're doing, get the iPod, and for God's sake put on some D.J. Quick.

Crusty asks: "Is the Super Lotto Quick Pick mechanism rigged? I never win. Should I pick my own numbers? If I use your birthdate in my numbers and win, will I have to share the money with you?"

The odds of winning the Super Lotto Quick Pick are slim. Amazingly slim. Galactically slim. Lindsey Lohan slim. According to my research, you have about an 18,000,000 to 1 chance of winning your state's lottery; about 120,000,000 to 1 for a multi-state lottery. This is assuming you just buy a single ticket. Go ahead, buy two. Or three. You are more likely to be killed by the following: a bee sting, a shark, a pig, lightning, falling airplane parts, flesh-eating bacteria, a legally-sanctioned execution (subcategory - a lethal injection is more likely than "Old Sparky"), or an asteroid. So should you pick your own numbers? Sure. If it makes you feel better. If you use my birthday numbers, should I get a cut? Given those odds - hell yes.

Rob (no blog?! What's up with that?) asks: "Why are our conservative "leaders" trying to strong-arm patriotic fanfare by bringing our right to burn a flag to the forefront all the while they can't defend our borders, can't curb increasing oil costs, can't present a real exit strategy in Iraq and further divide our nation all the while we have a self-named "Uniter" in office?"

That, my friend, is an excellent question. A question that I too used to ask, until the nice men from the FBI took me to the Education Camp, where I learned that asking such questions was un-American. I also learned that truth serums really do work, and that having your fingers broken one at a time really does hurt. But now I know not to ask such questions. And since my site is monitored by Homeland Security agents who now have your email address, you'll learn that same lesson. Good luck! By the way, some happy news! Liberal activist judges have been served a major defeat! It's now much easier for our government to take our homes and property! This is a major victory against the forces of evil, for only by destroying residential neighbors and putting up strip malls in their place can we defeat the terrorists and keep our country safe.

Friday Q & A

Ugh. Woke up this morning at 5:30 in an attempt to do a Dawn Patrol surf session before going into work. Upon discovering that low tide was at 6:00, and what a low tide it was, threw that plan out the window. My curse: once i wake up in the morning, I am physically unable to go back to sleep. So I had a cup of coffee, watched the local news and the Today Show, got into work, spent the past hour battling with my computer (no Internets, couldn't access my drives, then spent 10 minutes waiting for the thing to download and install much-needed Windows updates), and now find myself spent. I got nothing.

So I'll steal a page or two from my east coast homie Chris, and open the floor for questions. Judging by the number of hits I'm getting, there are a few new readers lurking out there. So ask me a question, any question, and I'll do my best to answer. Fire away.

A Very Special Edition Of People Who Need To Shut The Hell Up

Oh, the humanity!

First, if there's ever a Shut The Hell Up Hall Of Fame, a giant bronze statue of Tom Cruise will stand at the entrance.

Second, I don't know who Oprah's friend Gayle King is, but if being denied entrance to a store 15 MINUTES AFTER IT HAS CLOSED is truly "one of the most humiliating moments of (Oprah's) life", then, well...really. I have no response to that.

Third, let's go back to Tom Cruise. He is "shocked" - SHOCKED!  "For that happen to Oprah, we all love Oprah. Oprah is such a great woman. I'm sorry that happened. I'll call her tomorrow."

But maybe this is news. Apparently, there have been some serious repercussions to the INHUMANE and BARBARIC treatment that Oprah has had to endure. According to CNN, a special bi-partisan Congressional commitee has been formed to investigate this tragedy. The International Red Cross has set up a toll-free hotline (1-800-WINFREY) to provide free counseling to those who have been affected by this incident. The Sixth Fleet, along with elements of the 82nd Airborne and the First Marine Expeditionary Unit, has been deployed to the north Atlantic; Navy SEAL teams are rumored to have been convertly inserted into the Paris suburbs. Mass rioting and looting have been reported; ominously, all contact with the city of Chicago has been lost. The President has authorized the building of what he described in a late evening press conference as "giant space arks...with room to evacuate every American man, woman and child from the planet, in the hopes of finding a safe haven among the stars." The dead have begun to rise from their graves and consume the living. I'm taking Beth and Lucas to the helipad; I'm flying us out to our secret mountain fortress hidden in the Patagonian mountains. I had it built in secret, right after I read Nostradamus' prediction that this very event would occur. God help us all.

Upon Reflection, There are Indeed Wonderful Things In The World

Yes, the world can be a harsh and sad place. And sometimes it can be overwhelming. But as I look out my window on to a bright summer day, I have this feeling, deep inside of me...that...er...um...well, words fail me. But my good friend Dave knows what I'm talking about. I'll let him tell you.

Better or Worse

Had a long chat last night with an old friend, my former college roommate and best man at my wedding. Sad to say that he's the first of my people to be dealing with divorce; he and his wife have been separated for a few months and are in the process of getting the paperwork filed. It had been a while since we had last spoken, and I suspected that there was something going on.

Needless to say I'm sad for him. Tim's handling it very, nay, EXTREMELY well. He's refusing to be bitter and dwell on the past. He recently finished up his M.A. in U.S. History and is starting his PhD work this fall. He's focused on moving forward, and knowing him as I do I'm sure that he'll be just fine.

Still, it's a weird milestone. We all have our friends who are the Firsts: First to Get Married, First to Have A Baby. Now the third: First to Get A Divorce. And given the stats on marriage these days, probably an eventuality that someone we know would experience this. It's a stark reminder of how fucking HARD marriage is. There are struggles: money, sure, but also what you sometimes have to give up in order to be with the one you love, 'til death do you part.

But along with that, I'm reminded once again how lucky I am to be with my gal, whose spirit gives us the wings to stay above the bullshit that life throws our way. The good things in life, after all, don't necessarily come cheap or easy.