In any case, I decided not to commit to Doing anything. Finish a book, get in shape, make new friends and reforge the bonds with old ones...yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do my best, but no promises. I figure it'll be easy to tell you both what I'm NOT going to do. Deresolutions.
I will not stop eating cheese, with the exception of the aerosol variety, or any cheese belonging to the Whiz family. I will not build an ark. I will not shave my dog. I will not wear a black leather cowboy hat. I will not record a solo album. I will not fire upon Hometree. I will not come to a complete stop if no other cars are present. I will not remove the mattress tags. (Ah, who am I kidding.) I will not use the acronym "LOL". I will not attempt to keep up with the Kardashians. I will not use a paddle to catch a wave. I will not call another blogger "brilliant" unless, objectively speaking, he or she is. I will not bring a knife to a gunfight. I will not confuse jam with jelly, nor will I confuse a dolphin with a porpoise. (I make no promises regarding dolphin jelly, however.) I will not film any prequels. I will not add zombies. I will not deconstruct the following: superheroes, chicken a la king, the novel, or the concept album. I will not re-retweet, though I reserve the right to re-re-retweet. I will not proclaim myself the new King of Pop - yet. I will not abide. I will not take a ride on anyone's disco stick. I will not steal any songs from The Beatles and give them to Charles Manson, nor will I give any songs that Charles Manson stole from The Beatles to U2. I will not drink consomme straight from the can, because fool me twice? I will not use the floor vac on the carpet because the last time that happened, a black hole opened up and Nero flew his giant ship through it from the future and destroyed Vulcan and I still feel bad about that, sorry, Vulcans, don't hate me. (Oh, wait, you can't.) I will not join your Mafia Wars gang, so please stop asking. I will not misuse or overuse the following: the exclamation point, the dash, the colon, or the semi-colon. (I make no promises regarding parentheses.) Finally, I will not write another blog post while on hold with my insurance company.
