Pet Cobra

Six Word Stories: The Anthology

So the other night, I'm on the Twitter and Roger Ebert starts this meme, Six Word Stories. It's what it sounds like. A story told in six words. (Hemingway, of course, is the all-time champ: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn.") Here are some of the ones I did.

He closed his eyes. And fired.

The car stopped. She kept going.

"Oxycontin? Sure, why not", said Limbaugh.

He woke bloodstained, full moon above.

He pulled the ripcord. "Knapsack. Shit."

"Ooooh! Whale!", baby Ahab squealed happily.

"What's THIS button do?" "STO-" Boom.

Lighting kimchee-fueled farts proved fatal.

"Uh...which one was the quaalude?"

"Soylent Brown is hamsters! IT'S HAAAAAAAAAMSTERRRRRRRRRRRRSS!"

"Your favorite?" "Josh Groban." "Check please." 

"Where is that goddamn cat?" "BELLLLLLLCH."

They sighed collectively, then played "Freebird".

A Meme From Black Hockey Jesus Whose Name I Shamelessly Drop

True: I just got off the phone with a reporter from ABC News. Look at me! I'm kind of a big deal. And frankly I'm done with being coy about it. If other bloggers can casually mention how they had lunch with Norman Mailer or played squash with Prince or sat right next to Brian Wilson as he gingerly lapped at a bowl of split pea soup then I can name-drop Black Hockey Jesus. He dropped The Meme Gauntlet; I pick it up.

What are your current obsessions? 

I'm taking an Xacto knive and cutting the following into my forearm: the amazing album "Now We Can See" by The Thermals (here's a piece); Key Lime pie; obscure microbrews; chips and salsa; the ocean; getting past that third Panzer; the mystery of my itchy eyes; and The Catalina Wine Mixer. 

Who gave you the best oral sex of your life?

My parents, my in-laws and my sister all read this blog, so to avoid embarrassment I'll just go with "my old cellmate".

What's for dinner?

Beef. By the way, did I mention that I once went skeet-shooting with Robert Mitchum?

What is your greatest fear at the moment?

My fears are deep, as ingrained in me as my chromosomes. They flow through me like a particularly virulent strain of cancer, an infliction that the antibodies of hope and faith and love are merely a bandage, a catalyst of a remission that's doomed to wane. If I had to give shape to these fears, they'd look like a midget with a monkey perched on his shoulder, riding a giant spider. And the spider would be watching The Real Housewives of New York on his iPod.

What are you listening to right now?

Justin Timberlake...that one song, you know, with the video that has Scarlett Johansson in it. 

If You Were A God, What Would You Be?

Here. Rather then tell you, allow me to show you:

 

What are your favorite holiday spots?

I have to say that the ones I get at Christmastime when I eat figgy pudding are my favorite. Yes, they itch and burn, but they don't ooze that clear fluid, like the ones I get at Eastertime, when I go on my annual and sadly inevitable three day Peeps-and-mescal bender.

What are you reading right now?

I'm reading what I just wrote. It's very Meta. Speaking of Meta, did I mention that I once played Mumblety-Peg with Thomas Pynchon?

What are four words that describe you?

Zesty, tangy, hearty, and prick.

What is your guilty pleasure?

Anything that is of or related to Michael Bay.

Who or what makes you laugh?

Currently, I find the whole swine flu thing hysterical (in the funny sense, not in the "stupid people are becoming hysterical over swine flu" sense). I also think Crying Glenn Beck is awesome. Whenever I feel down, I watch Crying Glenn Beck. Here. You seem a little down yourself.

 

What is your favorite spring thing to do?

Two words: Slinky. Escalator.

Where are you planning to travel next?

Palm Springs for my 40th. Speaking of Palm Springs, did I ever tell you about the time I went skiing with Sonny Bono? "Fuck the groomed runs! Go through the trees, you glorious mustachioed bastard!", I screamed at him. 

What is the best thing you ate or drank lately?

Smoked fish dip in the Florida Keys. Holy pogo-stickin' Jesus, that stuff is the kind.

When was the last time you were tipsy?

When I was a thirteen year old girl. What the fuck kind of question is that? "Tipsy"? Speaking of hardcore drunks, did I ever tell you about the time that I went dynamite fishing with Cormac McCarthy and we ended up shooting a Federale?  

What is your favorite ever movie? 

Star Wars. The OG cut. Han shoots first.

What's the biggest life lesson you've learned from your kids?

Everything contains wonder.

What song can't you get out of your head?

That one. You know the one. And now it's stuck in yours.

What book do you know that you should read but refuse to?

Infinite Jest. I really like David Foster Wallace's essays. Let's leave it at that.

What is your physical abnormality/abnormal physical ability?

My giant penis. Speaking of which, did you watch that Glenn Beck video? How fucking funny is that? He cries while Chuck Norris looks on!

Why do you think you were called into the realm of the living?

To chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.

Proof That Good Deeds Are Rewarded Via Meme Karma

So there's this meme floating around The Facebooks, and it goes like this:

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Post it with this text in the "caption" and TAG the friends you want to join in.

So it being Friday and me being bored shitless, I went with it. And I must say, the Gods of Randomness smiled upon me. Because I got this:

25 Random Things About Me

This started off as a Facebook meme, and happily it coincided with my decision to post more stuff on this blog regardless of quality. So, seeing as it's a meme and all, consider yourself tagged, so if you do this on your blog just post a comment indicating that you did and I will drop whatever it is I'm doing and will immediately rush to your blog and read your list of random things and you and I will marvel together at the sheer utter randomness of it all, our little lives, the world, the Universe, all of it.

25. I’ve been pecked in the leg by an irate emperor penguin.
24. I can play the bass guitar and the saxophone.
23. I went to high school in Anchorage, Alaska.
22. I was both a frat boy and a Republican in college. I'm not ashamed of being either.
21. I own four surfboards.
20. I've bribed a Mexican cop.
19. I was a contestant on “Jeopardy”. Yes, the real “Jeopardy”. With Alex Trebek.
18. I have a crippling fear of primates.
17. I've been in a shark cage and I've gone swimming with dolphins.
16. I'm turning 40 this May and am seriously considering buying a Harley. Don't tell anyone.
15. I'm a former rugby player.
14. I still ride a skateboard.
13. I'm a pretty good cook.
12. I have "hitchhiker's thumbs", i.e., they bend backwards when extended. It's kinda freaky.
11. For as much as I do it, and considering that I have a formal education in it, I frigging hate talking about politics.
10. I write for 5 blogs (one's a private surfing blog), yet I only regularly read a handful.
9. Dammit! I brought my lunch to work today but I left it in the car. Hopefully it won't spoil.
8. I have 11 different hats in the rotation. 3 beanies, 4 baseball caps, 2 driver's caps, 1 porkpie, and 1 fedora.
7. I'm not the Jason Avant who plays for the Philadelphia Eagles.
6. I believe that most people who claim to love "The Wire" and Radiohead say that to make themselves look smart.
5. I've been to Loch Ness, but did not see the monster.
4. I have this weird bump under my right eye. It's been there for years. Should I have it looked at?
3. My personal Martini: 2 measures gin, 1 measure vodka, splash of vermouth, 2 blue cheese-stuffed olives.
2. I have no desire to get an iPhone.
1. I got more rhymes than Jamaica's got mangos.

Meme: An Album For Every Year of Your Life, Part 1

I stole this idea from my favorite website. Simple: pick your favorite album (or what would have been your favorite, had you been of age) from every year of your life. Since this will encompass some 39 albums, I'm breaking it up into two posts. Here goes:

1969: Creedence Clearwater Revival, Bayou Country

1970: Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin III

1971: The Allman Brothers Band, At Fillmore East

1972: Big Star, #1 Record

1973: Pink Floyd, The Dark Side of The Moon

1974: Bob Marley and the Wailers, Natty Dread

1975: Queen, A Night at The Opera

1976: Boston, Boston

1977: TIE: Bob Marley and the Wailers, Exodus and John Williams conducting the London Symphony Orchestra, Star Wars: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (double album! With a free poster!)

1978: Steve Miller Band, Greatest Hits 1974 - 1978

1979: Pink Floyd, The Wall

1980: The Police, Zenyatta Mondatta (and here we start getting into the music that I actually listened to at the time...)

1981: Rush, Moving Pictures

1982: Asia, Asia

1983: The Police, Synchronicity

1984: Van Halen, 1984

1985: R.E.M., Fables of The Reconstruction

1986: Beastie Boys, Licensed to Ill

1987: U2, The Joshua Tree

1988: Fishbone, Truth and Soul

1989: The Replacements, Don't Tell A Soul

1990: Soul Asylum, And The Horse They Rode In On

(Back tomorrow with the Nineties up to the present...feel free to play along on your own blogs, consider yourselves tagged if you read this.)

Six For A Rainy Day

Normally, this space would be filled with yet another surfing tale. Today we're rained out; the morning was spent watching a DVR'ed  ep of Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex: 2nd Gig (can they fit any more colons into that title? ) and attending to a decidedly grumpy Lucas - one day he'll figure out that an extra hour of sleep in the morning is good for what ails ya. So while I figure out what to do with the rest of my day, I'll oblige Mo-Wo, who tagged me yesterday. And I'll go a step further and give all y'all the full six. Six things that you may not know about me (and for those of you visiting via Dutch's link, welcome. If you're expecting General Assholishness, be prepared to be underwhelmed; if you're looking for Detached Amusement, why, you've come to the right place). So.

6. Many of you know of my Monkey/Primate Phobia. (If not, you do now. They freak my shit out.) Not so well known: the real reason that I don't shop at WalMart - Dutch fans, you'll be happy to know that I sent him a non-confrontational, almost genial email yesterday, in which I shared the following with him, the first time I've told ANYONE of this - the Greeters, they also freak my shit out. Perhaps more than apes (but not more than gibbons). Their genuinely friendly smiles, their eagerness to help me find the paper plates or inflatable pool toys, their blue vests with the "flair"...sweet jumped-up Jesus, they're a George Romero flick come to life.

5. I'm not afraid to point out good-looking men. Example: last night Beth and I were watching Rent (during which, in a remarkable display of poor taste, I began referring to all of our various ailments as a variation of AIDS. Example: Beth mentioned that her back hurts, to which I replied "Oh...you have the Back AIDS", I spoke of my stuffy nose as "The Sinus AIDS"...yeah...guess you had to be there) and I said things like "Taye Diggs - now there's a good-looking man" and "Jesse L. Martin? Good-looking man. And he can sing, too."

4. I don't play golf, I have no interest in ever learning to play golf, yet I enjoy watching it on TV.

3. I post and rate books on my Reading Typelist before I actually finish reading them. Which, come to think of it, I can do without feeling guilty, because it's "Reading" and not "Read", so I'm really not being disingenuous, am I.

2. I believe that the so-called "Holocaust" is a myth, created by the Zionists to justify their imperialist designs on the Holy Land.

1. I don't like ice cream. Gelato, yes. Regular ice cream, no. Even Ben and Jerry's. Does nothing for me, and while I'll eat ice cream every once in a while, I could do without it. Oh, and I'm totally kidding about the Holocaust thing. But not about the ice cream or the Greeters.

Curses! Meme'd Again!

I doth protest too much, methinks. Getting meme'd on a Friday is not a bad thing, especially when you have a product review to write for one blog and a tale of disturbing parentry for another. Compadre Dubya tagged me; sans further adoo...

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.
Weird Girl

Cynical Dad

Cape Buffalo

Mr. Big Dubya (no, I am not hotlinking him twice. Lazy buggers.)

Pet Cobra

Select five people to play (but only if they want to).
Beth

Everyone else has done it. What? You haven't? Then I TAG THEE.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Living here, working here, getting paid to do this. I was a 26 year old single beach bum spending my days goofing off with dolphins and penguins and tourists, spending my nights partying like a rock star.

What were you doing one year ago?

Exactly what I'm doing now, at this very minute. Which begs the question: do I curse my IT guys (my computer has, as it has every morning at about this time, crashed, which sucks for a great many reasons, not the least of which is that the goddamn thing takes 7 whole minutes to run through its restart cycle) or praise them (as they are apparently oblivious to the whole blogging-at-work thing. And the IM'ing with the wife. And the endless web surfing).

Five snacks you enjoy:

Triscuits. (You don't understand: when I was a kid, my parents would actually get me a box of Triscuits for Christmas. They'd wrap it and put a bow on it and everything; it was MY box, no one else could touch it, and it would be devoured by lunchtime that day. Such was and is my love for the Tricuit.)

Chips and salsa. Correction: chips and real, honest-to-God pico de gallo.

Sunflower seeds (shelled)

Chili-Cheese Fritos. (Evil. EEEE-VILLE!)

Oranges. (Right off the orange trees in our backyard.)

Five Songs To Which You Know All The Lyrics:

"Yellow Ledbedder", Pearl Jam

"Can't Get There From Here", R.E.M.

"Louie, Louie", The Kingsmen

"Bohemian Rhapsody", Queen

"Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with A Pict", Pink Floyd

Five Things You'd Do If You Were A Millionaire. A Multi-millionaire, that is. Trump-style.

Immediately, without notice, and with a song in my heart and a huge smirk on my face, quit my job.

Pay off all debts.

Buy a house.

Make sure that my family is set for life.

Wring every last drop of  meaning out of the phrase "the world is your oyster".

Five Bad Habits.

Not paying attention to people.

What was the question?

Picking (not clipping, but picking) my nails and letting the trimmings fall where they may (bad AND disgusting - I get extra points for that!)

I'm an angry driver.

Five Things I Like Doing.

Husbanding

Dadding

Surfing

Writing

Reading

Five Things You Would Never Wear Or Buy Again.

Gravis brand shoes - pure torture.

A Honda - nice engines, everything else is crap.

A Coldplay album. Over them. Coldplay albums are like the Superman movies - everything they've done after the first two should be erased from history. (Although Superman Returns looks promising.)

Shirts by Abercrombie and Fitch, unless I develop a heroin addiction.

Gap Jeans. The influence of the wife, you see. And the fact that you can get much better jeans for the same price on eBay. Good God, when did I start caring about such things?

My Favorite Toys.

The iPod.

The DVR.

The Xterra.

The longboard.

And, coming tomorrow, the new board. Stay tuned to this site as I recap the adventure of getting it and post pics - the secret design shall at least be revealed!

Sevens

Thank God for memes and MetroDad, who tagged me for this one. We're moving this weekend, and I'm a bit preoccupied with that, and couldn't come up with anything of interest today. Moving sucks. But moving out of a place that you despise to a place that you love - well, that's the bee's knees. So without further a-doo:

7 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

1. Write and sell my novel. I'm making this a priority this year. I have no more excuses.
2. Become the surfer I've always wanted to be. (I'm not talkin' about dropping in on a Maverick's-sized bomb. I just want to be consistantly good on a wide range of equipment.)
3. Work for myself.
4. Watch a Rugby World Cup game from the sidelines.
5. Spend a year exploring Australia and New Zealand.
6. Buy a boat, a big one that sleeps 4. (What is it with guys and boats? Discuss.)
7. Take a trip into space.

7 Things I Cannot Do

1. Whistle a tune while someone else is whistling the same tune. I start laughing. It's weird.
2. Ride roller coasters. They give me horrible migraines.
3. Read any novel that claims to be about three generations of anything (Asian-American women, Irish potato farmers, U.S. Marines, etc. Three generations is two much. And it's so fucking trite. I promise you this: my novel? One generation.)
4. Get within 50 feet of a piece of licorice. Even a Twizzler. Disgusting stuff, that licorice.
5. Dunk a basketball.
6. Listen to country music.
7. Abide Jawas. Disgusting creatures.

7 Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex

1. A sense of humor.
2. The ability to look as good if not better without makeup.
3. The ability to be sexy when she's not trying to be.
4. Nothing implanted, removed, or altered in any way, and not afraid to eat a burger and fries.
5. Must love kids, dogs, the ocean, music, vampire movies, loud music, DVR-pausing the TV show that we're currently watching to ask things like "Where the fuck is that Desmond guy think he's going to run off to? It's a pretty small island. And why isn't Jack's hair growing?"
6. Must be able to constantly surprise me.
7. Must be my wife.

7 Things I Say Most Often

1. "No?"
2. "What's for dinner?"
3. "You decide."
4. "Where's Lucas?"
5. "Fuck."
6. "Shit."
7. "What?"

7 Celebrity Crushes

1. Kate Winslet. Actually, that's it. All others pale in comparison. Yeah, Angelina Jolie is, per arrangement with the wife, my Celebrity Free Fuck (Brad Pitt is Beth's, which will be convenient), but that's a given.
2. Oh - Carla Gugino is pretty hot, too.
3. Wait - I kinda have a geek-crush on Katie Sackhoff.  It's the chick-flying-Vipers thing.
4. Also - have you seen Morena Baccarin? Damn.
5. Come to think of it, Jewel Staite was also on Firefly. She's cute, too.
6. I forgot about Allison Mack. Yeah, she plays a teenager on Smallville, but everyone on that show is really in their late 20's. That doesn't make me a perv, does it?

7 People I Want to Do This:

1. Beth
2. Ted
3. NFPD
4. Dubya (No, not that one. The good one.)
5. Sarah
6. Adventure Dad
7. Harriet Miers

Hot Steamy Blog-On-Blog Action

I'm now Jay's bitch, since he's probably gonna be responsible for pushing me over the 10,000 hit mark. All the cool dads and moms read his blog, so if you don't you can't be a member of the Pet Cobra Junior Adventure Ranger Club.

I read a lot of blogs. It's what I do in lieu of working. I read and am a fan of EACH AND EVERY BLOG ON MY BLOGROLL MAY WEASELS DEVOUR MY FLESH IF I'M LYING. My favorites are the bloggers who comment on my site. They are my people, and you would do well to read their stuff.  I've added some new and noteworthy folks to my reading list. Here are some to check out:

Elisson:  a wordsmith and a gentleman.

Saint Christopher: I just realized that in my TypeList, I have my URL under his name. I feel shame.

Velociman: If you're like me, and crack up when someone says "Squeal like a pig, boy", you'll find him very, very funny.

Not-For-Profit-Dad: See, NFP Dad's use of the picture of Peter Lorre is Ironic Funny because Peter Lorre starred in a movie called "M" in which he played a creepy child murderer and from what I can tell NFP Dad is not a creepy child murderer.

So check these guys out. Now. Because it's Friday and I know you aren't doing any work.

The Song You Hear In Your Head

iPods RULE. They RULE. I've brought ours   Beth's to the office today; since my computer is and old POS and does not have a high speed USB port, I've plugged the speakers directly into the 'Pod and am currently rocking out to "Used To Love Her" by Guns 'N Fuckin' Roses! (We're big fans. But will acknowledge that Axel is now a pale, puffy shadow of his former self.) The speakers are murder on the 'Pod's battery, but I'll recharge it over lunch, and then it's back to the tuneage.

So it got me to thinking: what are my all-time top 5 singles of the last 15 years (1990 - today)? Here are my choices:

5. "Army" - Ben Folds Five. Great song - hilarious, and the Five were at the top of their musical game, venturing into prog-rock territory on their last album as a group, "The Autobiography of Reinhold Messner" (great title).

4. "The Distance" - Cake. As lame as all of their other songs were, this is THE get-pumped-to-go-work out/surf/party anthem.

3. "Clocks" - Coldplay. Best. Piano. Line. Ever.

2. "Sick of Myself" - Matthew Sweet. A friend of mine described Sweet to a tee: "What a MOPE that guy is!' Played all of the instruments himself. Best use of multiple false endings in a song. And served as many a lovestruck slacker's theme song, myself included.

1. "Monkey Wrench" - Foo Fighters. Sing/shriek the following using only one breath at the top of your lungs: "One last thing before I quit I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head I still remember every single word you said and all the shit that somehow came along with it still there’s one thing that comforts me since I was always caged and now I’m freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Didn't think so.

So I throw down the gauntlet to Chris, Chepooka, and newbie blogger Chum. Rules: the five songs in question must be bona fide singles that received radio airplay (no "deep tracks", B-sides, etc.). I chose alt-rock, but any genre will do. Since I have 15GB's of space on the iPod, my motives for doing this are selfish.